my own monolgue...

AM I BOLD?
(A Monologue)

This will not just be a monologue. There’s more behind my monologue. At this point of time, just for once, please be silent and listen to me. I ask you to be yourself, your inner you, the hidden you.
I’m not bold like what you’ve thought. I am just trying to be bold. Don’t you observed that? Day by day, I’m getting bolder and bolder. Right, Melchor? The truth is I am one of the great pretenders, and for that I think I deserve an award. An award for giving up the true me. In a way, it’s nice to be a pretender, there’s thrill and excitement but beyond those things is emptiness. It’s nice you’ll know yourself, you’ll learn about life but it’s hard. You don’t know what will happen next … when will you laugh, when will you cry … where to go when you’re alone, when you’re empty, when you feel the world is against you … to whom are you going to give your care, your love, your understanding … you don’t know to whom are you going to share your true you … to your barkada, to your friends, to your family … you’ll even desperately long for someone to outburst what’s inside you. It’s really hard! Your life will live for reel, R-double E-L. I don’t know if Rollie or Emma realized these. I think they do. If they don’t, I think they’re not in this stage yet but sooner or later they’ll do also. As what is written in the Subjectivist, we are undefinables. We only have one heart and we’ll only have one life and destination unless we turn on Him. Don’t get me wrong, not one of our prettiest boys in Santugon but He up there. In honest moments, I know my life, our life is all superficial. I see others battered and abandoned, hurt and wounded by all these destructive competitions. Some of us even committed suicide. I really feel terribly sad when all alone, even when I have no reason to feel that way. The gay lifestyle delivers a drop of pleasure and a gallon of loneliness and pain. Even in laughter the heart is in pain and the end of joy is grief. I hate it! It turns me into an animal. It was fun at first, but now it’s destroying me as well as others. I’m like two people. I’m hooked by a mind habit; now I can’t stop myself. Still, deep in me, I want to be free.
It does not mean when I flirt Melchor or call Jepoy through DDD, I like them. Yes, I like them but just like you. Why will I let these be known if that’s really my intention? Why will I make these known if that’s really my motive? It’s shameful! I know it’s shameful! Right, that’s my way of knocking not only to Melchor’s or Jepoy’s heart but also to your heart. It means I’m reaching the everyone, not the few but all of you.
Commitment for me is friendship, lasting (L-A-S-T-I-N-G) not lusting (L-U-S-T-I-N-G).
I’m telling you all of these because I want you to realize that undefinables are also different from each other … that each undefinable has his own uniqueness from the others.